Man invents latest in ear freshness

Aug 25, 2015
2 min read

Expectoration is a billion-dollar global industry but as orifices go, ears are, so to speak, an untapped market.One Nanton man plans to change all that ...

NANTON, ALBERTA

LOCAL GENIUS IS A GENIUS

You’ve heard of an elegant solution?—this is an elegant dissolution. That is, I stumbled on my potentially million-dollar idea when the toothpaste lid came loose in my shaving kit, squirting minty goodness onto the ends of my Q-Tips©.

It was a wonderfully refreshing eureka moment as I cleaned my ears, leaving them with a lingering mintiness, and a hygienic practice I’ve continued to experiment with to this day.

Happy to report product development has passed Nanton street trials, the unscripted testimony of a small child and my own self-imposed test of sobriety—allow me to introduce to you: the Minty P-Tip!

MAN SKIRTS POSSIBLE LAWSUIT

Yea, I can’t call them Minty Q-Tips because Q-Tip© is a registered trademark owned by the conglomerate Unilever. Q-Tip© as a brand has eclipsed its namesake product in popular parlance the same enviable way as Kleenex© or Xerox© etc. Which is funny considering Q-Tip© started off called Baby Gays.

As well, the “Q” stands for quality, something Peter or “P”-Tips certainly are not. (But they are organic!)

TWO OUT OF

EVERY TWO PEOPLE I ASKED

WOULD PREFER A MINTY P-TIP

OVER A WET WILLY,

ANYDAY.

STREET TRIALS PROVE I DESERVE A MILLION DOLLARS

We mint everything: dental floss, shampoo, we mint our mouths, noses, chests, feet, muscles, temples—why not our ears? Ears are a perfectly reasonable orifice to freshen.

Street trials confirmed a mostly positive airy feeling or “nice wet willy”. I toyed with the brand name Nice Willies, but the name didn’t test well. Still, better than Baby Gays... x

SOME ACTUAL, LIKE REAL, INFORMATION ABOUT Q-TIPS:

The original founder of Q-Tips© Leo Gerstenzang has his wife to thank. No man in history had even yet considered cleaning an ear. He got the idea from watching her put wads of cotton on toothpicks, and they were marketed originally as a baby care product, so named Baby Gays. That was dropped in 1926.

Also, I had a bet with a guy at the bar based loosely around the likelihood I could make a mint with Minty Q, I mean, P-Tips, arguing that they make billions of non-minty Q-tips each year, and so the market must be huge. He didn't believe me so I emailed Unilever and received this reply:

Hello Peter, Thank you for contacting Q-Tips. Congratulations, you have won the bet!

Unilever, the company that owns Q-Tips, produces approximately 25.5 billion [my emphasis added] Q-tips each year. We appreciate your interest in Q-Tips.

Sincerely, Q-Tips Consumer Services

Create a brighter future for our children. Visit Unilever’s Project Sunlight

...

See!—I do research sometimes ...

And since my R&D was particularly involved this issue of the Experiment, I shall submit to Mr. Gerstenzang's company my glorious findings, ri-i-i-ight ....now.