LOCAL MAN SURVIVES "DUCKSASTER"

THIS WEEK WE ASK: Why does nobody kayak mighty Mosquito Creek? (SPOILER ALERT: Because ducks.)

A DUCK TALE OF CAUTION:

NANTON, ALBERTA

This week, I did an experiment on behalf of a man who inquired into feasible water bodies in and around Nanton in which to canoe.

[Quick back-story: I previously gave bad advice/directions to people looking for a place called Silver Lake. Turned out it was a lake 10 years ago, now it’s barely a pond / “Not-Very-Silver Slough.”]

I decided to survey other potentially navigable water bodies in/around Nanton, beginning with Mosquito Creek.

Mosquito Creek is not typically known for its white water. Brown water, yes. Its muddy/manurey banks are less than ideal for putting in and pulling out, and its rapids aren’t quite so "rapid" as "grind-you-to-a-standstill-in-an-inch-of-water."

Oh, it’s possible. But the creek is also home to some very territorial ducks.

My leisurely float down the creek soon startled a hen and some ducklings. Mother duck quacked at her ducklings to “get quack from that quackity-quack,” and told me to quack off, so I kept a distance. But we were at the whim of natural forces. I kept floating downstream. They kept floating downstream.

Every bend in the creek, mom duck re-spotted me around the bank and, each time, it was mayhem. I was having a tranquil and enjoyable float. The ducks meanwhile were floating for their poor lives.

I soon ruffled the feathers of yet another large paddling of ducks. [I looked it up.] Then another. I was duck-herding a bunch of adult ducks and like 20 ducklings downstream. I felt bad but duck-nammit, ducks—let me pass you!

Then, one of the ducks did what ducks do—ducked—and disappeared below my kayak, popping up upstream of me and began making menacing flaps on the surface of the water. I tried every tactic. I feigned disinterest, reclining and looking relaxed. Surely I was no threat. (Who was I kidding?—ducks have been blasted out of the sky by guys more or less falling asleep with beers in-hand.)

IN OTHER MINI NEWS:

Man reconsiders annual

donation to Ducks Unlimited—

“Who wants a world of unlimited ducks?!”

... he exclaims to no one in particular.

To put their worried duck hearts at ease I sang Righteous Brothers' Loving Feeling, changing the words to a duck-version, but somewhere around, “YOU-VE LOST THAT DU-U-U-CKY FE-E-E-LING!…” the lil' motherducker behind me took a running flap and made it onto the back of my kayak. I used my paddle as protection—not aggression; I wasn’t going to be responsible for wiping out two generations of ducks on an innocent float down Mosquito Creek. I pleaded out loud, “DO YOU NOT GET THIS DOWNSTREAM THING!”

But the ducks failed to grasp English or basic reasoning.

Fin. x

FOR MORE STORIES LIKE THIS, STOP AT THE EXPERIMENT OFFICE & HEAR ABOUT:

—The time, also last week, I had to use my kayak paddle on the highway as a windshield wiper.

—The time at the Visitor Information Centre that I was cleaning my bellybutton and a visitor walked in.

—The time when I accidentally said “hello gentlemen” to two old ladies.